Elanor
by Soulreciever
Summary: Sometimes even the most well known stories have secrets...
1. Promises

Elanor

Chapter one: Promises.

T: And hopefully I'm back into the swing again. This is all mine, every inch of it…well the characters are Tolkien's and the scenery and a great deal of the situations…but no direct quotes so yay!

This is a fairly dark fic for me and is based on the film ending, which is almost as the book ending apart from one point. Simply put Sam is not crossing to Valinor, which means…well I think you get the idea. Warning of angst, character death and slash.

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The sea. It was a thing she hated with such passion, such irrational emotion and yet she was drawn to it. That was why she had moved to the Undertowers after her marriage, why she had left despite her Brother's pleas. His fears.

Each day she would walk out and stand on the docks of the Grey Havens, listening to the scream of the gulls and the rampant energy of the Sea's own voice.

She had been there when the messenger had come and she had wept there also, the hard Sea breezed stealing her tears from her as it had everything else.

When her anger had returned she had yelled into the wind, asking questions and hearing no answer but the Sea's own: The crescendo of water upon water and then the soundlessness of the waves retracting again from the sandy shore.

Eventually she had gone back to her home, to the beauty of nature and tranquillity, restored and assured by His hand and now…perhaps it had been her imagination or the weight of unspent grief, but all that had been once bright and untarnished in her childhood seemed sullied beyond repair.

Even the green paint of the door had seemed chipped and cracked, as if He had been the last thing here keeping it as it had been.

Her brother greeted her silently and she could see so much of Him there that it hurt her to look. As if understanding he simply showed her to His room and then he left.

"You came." He remarks and His voice has aged beyond reorganisation since she heard it last. As, indeed, has He, though she has no wish to acknowledge the fact, not when He has been her strength for so long now. "I thought perhaps the Sea had claimed you as it has me." And though there is a humour to the words there is pain also.

"Father." She warns and He smiles and stretches a hand to touch her face before he nods,

"Yes I see. It is calling to you, but you, as I, have had the strength to turn back again.

"I wanted to ask you something, Elanor, before the last flickers of my life are burned away and I can find the way back to my Heart." He gestures weekly to the table to the left of the bed, sat upon which is a red leather bound book, which she knows well. "Take it one I am gone. Take it and tel our true story."

These words are with her now as she stands again at the harbour, the Red Book weighing her hands down and sound of movement from one of the two who are with her, informing her that they are getting slightly impatient.

"Forgive me." She says as she turns to face them. They are dressed both in the black of Mourning and their age shows well in both their faces, though she can still see hints of what they had once been hidden in their abnormally tall forms.

"We understand, Elanor, your Father's loss has grieved us all." One says, giving comfort as he always has.

"Aye and you most of all, no doubt." The other responds, the hint of his Took lineage evident still in the melody of his voice, though faded now from his contact with the men of Gondor.

"I asked you here for his sake and apologise that I have taken you away from anything important."

"At our ages? I do not think that even the Lord Aragorn believes we are that energetic." The younger of the two remarks and his smile gives her the confidence she has needed and bringing the book around to her front she says,

"He made me promise to tell his story…their story." And she notices that the pair look to the horizon and she knows that they too fell the pull of the Sea and the loss of he who once bore her brother's name.

She opens the book and turns the pages until she finds the section where her father's hand begins, sure and confident just as he had always been,

" I am most likely gone by now and my little Elanor is reading this so that you can know, Master Meriadoc, Thain Peregrin, the truth at last.

You know the ending true enough and perhaps you guess a little more of the details in the middle that I have wanted you to, but the beginning will be lost to you as it is almost lost to me now. Weighted by the darker memories.

This life was given to me when my mother died, when her kindness and hope was taken from us by cruel fate. I recall still the pain of loosing her, even though I would have been only four years old at the time. I recall Father's silence and Halfred's anger the most, both ways of grieving, both bringing me fear.

I remember shutting myself away from the world, refusing to see life while I ached for her face and the hole in my heart grew and expanded. I lost myself in my dreams instead, dreams of far away lands, unknown creatures and the Sea. How it haunted me, even then when I knew naught of it, when there was no way that it could be there in my dreams so real, so alive. But that is what it was, that I know now.

Of course my Father would have none of it, a child of his could not be addling about with dreams, nor grieving in such a way for a life well lived and well loved. So he took it on himself to bring me back again, to make me a child that was deserving of the Gamgee name. Had he not done that, had he not decided to let me grieve as I chose to and allowed the misery to work its own course, who can say where I would be now? What my life would be? For through that decision I came into contact with Mr. Bilbo and his stories of Dragons, Adventures and elves.

I recall that he looked hard into my eyes on the day we first met and smiling he had turned to my father and said,

"You have bred a fine one there, Hamfast. Such spirit and such a want for adventure all in those eyes." My Father had taken the compliment, though it was little of what he wished to hear and I remembered that once Mr. Bilbo had gone back into Bag End he'd caught hold of my arm and said,

"Mind you get no ideas, Samwise, Mr. Bilbo's gentry and free to do as he wishes. You and I, on the other hand are of a lower breed and we have to stick to naught more than a good days work and an honest Master." And so the first border has was placed within my life, for while my Mother was alive I had had no schooling in the class divide, indeed she had often told me how all Hobbits were equal, for they loved the soil and the peace of the Shire.

I was now closer to learning the things I would place into practice later in life, (though for a differing reason than that placed to the rules at the time) protect the Master no matter the cost to yourself, respect the Master's wishes and trust the Master without question. All this Father implanted in me, while Mr. Bilbo kept my desire for adventure alive by telling me stories of his own venture out in the real world and of elves. Once he even showed me his Magic Ring and how I wish now that I'd taken the Thing from him, but then again I would not be able to give you this tale.

From Mr. Bilbo I learned to be strong in both heart and spirit, to see that on occasions the gentry could be friends to us of the lower breed and I suppose most importantly he taught me to hope for a better future and to never let that hope go no matter the temptation.

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T: Well there is the first chapter. Depending on how enthralled I become in ROTK there may or may not be another chapter on Tues. If not then it'll be up next sun.

RR please. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Ah ye get the idea.


	2. Binding

Elanor

Chapter one: The binding of souls.

T: Feel much better now that I'm doing serious again, though fluff levels are higher in this part than in the last. I am extending an inspiration credit for this fic to the beautiful Any Lenox song into the west which if you haven't heard it is hauntingly beautiful. Anyway, the plot is mine, everything else is not. Slash warning as usual with my stuff and a shadowed plot which is not.

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'Mr. Bilbo became like a second father to me and thus when rumours that he might be taking up a ward began to circulate I was less than pleased. I felt even worse when I learned the two were not really related, little more than second and third Cousins either way and my anger over whelmed me when I learned that he was a Brandybuck by blood rather than Baggins.

'That was my father's prejudices rubbing off on me, for I'd had little cause to think ill of any Hobbit before I came into his tutelage. Later I'd learn the folly of such thinking, but at the time I believed, as my father before me, that Brandybuck and Tooks were little better than the big folk, what with their queer ways and diverse beliefs.

'I'm ashamed to admit now that once I had heard all of these things and more of the lad I considered a rival, I shut myself into my room and like a spoiled child refused to immerge until things went my way. My father did not believe me serious for the first two days, but after the week was out he had begun to plead at my door, his voice all but a sob as he talked of how painful it would be to lose me.

'Another week after that and he brought in Mr. Bilbo to "sort things out" as he told me later. Of course by that point I was sick with hunger and yearning so badly for more to drink than the few sips I allowed myself each day from the flask kept always at my bedside that I would have agreed with anything Bilbo said.

'Thus it took him mere moments to cross into my room with my permission, where he enquired,

"What has brought this about, Samwise?" Using my full name as he only did when I had pleased or grieved him in some way.

"Everything is changing, sir and I thought that I might stop it before it became too late." I replied, my voice cracked slightly for the thirst. Bilbo smiled and dropping to his knees he took my eyes in his own and said,

"Change is not always a bad thing, Sam, if you stop it you might lose out on learning or seeing some amazing things."

"Yet this change is bad, for through it I shall lose you and contentment you bring me." I said and he seemed to be expecting that reply for he turned his head slightly behind him and enquired,

"Well, lad?" No response was forth coming for a moment and then a Hobbit child stepped through the open door and into my eye line.

'I see now odd parallels between that, our first meeting, and one of the last memories I have of our life together, for in both I was dehydrated and emotionally taxed, while he bore shadows caused by a heavy burden not ment for his shoulders alone. It is as if our lives had moved in a circle, as though even then our fate had been decided.

'Of course I did not know him then and so I cannot explain why when I first saw him he both scared and intrigued me. Though mayhap it was because I had not seen his like before, for he was so pail and so thin that it seemed almost that he would break if the wind changed direction.

"This is the lad I have been telling you about, Frodo. Sam this is my soon to be ward Frodo Baggins." Bilbo said and Frodo extended me his hand a challenge in his bright eyes that I could not resist, then or much later in our lives. Thus I took his hand and Bilbo's smile brightened before he said,

"That is much better. It would not do to have my two dearest Hobbits at odds without even having met.

"Young Samwise, I hope that I have set your worries straight and that you shall soon be fit enough to come and visit me again." He said, smiling once again before both he and Frodo left my room.

'I was back at Bag End within the week, suffering still from such an extended fast, yet working as hard as my father demanded so as not to cause him any more undue worry.

'As dawn broke across the skyline the door to Bag End twitched open and Frodo came out into the garden, his skin all but glowing in that light.

"Good morning, Master Hamfast." He said, his voice a soft melody that fitted well the aura of quiet good nature that surrounded him.

"Morning, Mr. Frodo. What brings you out at this hour today?"

"The same as every day, Master Hamfast, to admire your hard work and to enjoy how quiet Hobbiton is."

"Aye, such a vast change it must seem from the noise and crowd of Brandy Hall."

"Yes indeed it is. Though there are things I miss greatly about Brandy Hall."

"Would one of those things be young Master Meriadoc, sir?"

"Yes it would, though I had thought that I had not yet told you of my friendship with Merry."

"Ye haven't, Sir, but I listen to the idle chatter that circles about this place."

"I see." Frodo responds and the pair fall into silence. Father returns after a while to his work and Frodo takes the path down the garden, his eyes fixed upon the plants.

'Thus when he finds my hands amid the soil, it is understandable that he is a little surprised, Yet he recovers a moment later and meets my eyes with his own and my head clearer now I can recognise well the emotion shadowing the otherwise perfect clarity of his eyes. Grief.

'A stream of questions rise up my throat, why is this lad here in a place so far from his fellows? What is the cause for the hurt in his eyes? Why had his kin allowed him to leave their homeland to live with such a Hobbit as Bilbo? All this I wished to ask him, wish to have clarified; yet I could not for it was not my place. This I knew well. Too well.

"Samwise." He acknowledges after a moment.

"I'd rather you call me Sam, Sir," I reply. The smile that blooms onto his face is all the reward I need for the request and I find that I am smiling also quite despite myself.

"Of course, after all we shall see much of one another if you are learning your father's trade."

"Trying to learn, sir, I'm no match for his skill. Something he reminds me of all too often." And though I am serious Frodo begins to laugh, the sound like music to my young ears. I never had wish to hear that sound other than it was then, pure and unsullied, yet I have and each day it hurts me. For I allowed it to happen, allowed that innocents to fade.

'Yet I run ahead of myself for back then it seemed to me as if I would be always lifted by that laughter. Always drawn to it.

"You will forgive me if the humour seems misplaced, Sam, but I had thought that you would be more as your father. Stern but with a good heart."

"I have a little of that too me also, sir, but of course you are right; I am more my mother than my father. Bright like the son and hopeful even in shadows." I reply and he bends towards me so that I might hear him whisper,

"Do you recall still her face and the sound of her voice? Or is there a whole where her image should be and silence for her voice?" And there was so much guilt to the enquiry that I had answers to my questions without ever having posed them.

"How long ago did you lose your parents?" I ask and he starts at the question,

"I had believed that everyone knew the answer to that question, believed that everyone was talking about their death."  He said after a moment.

'I wasn't as much of a listener to idle chat as my father back then, but I'd heard him muttering to himself every now and again and I knew that the year of my birth had also been a year for a great loss within the Baggins lineage.  Yet that would make the pail, slight, thing before me, twenty-one years old and twelve years my senior. But how could that be? He looked little more than sixteen and acted so much younger than that. Thus with the belief that my guess was wrong I enquired,

"Ye would not be talking about Primila and Drogo Baggins would you?"

"Indeed I would, I knew that you would know."

"Take no offence, sir, but ye don't look old enough to be their child."

"I know and sometimes I am angry at that fact while other times I am quite glad for it means I can have Merry as my friend. But somehow we have wondered from answering my question."

"It's not fare to compare sir. I've only had to be without my mother for five years now, while ye have not seen your parents for nine. Ye also lost them in tragic enough circumstances so as ye can be forgiven for forgetting."

"You have a good heart just as you said, Sam, thus you will say that. Yet I know the truth, I have forgotten them because I am incapable of love, of any emotion but selfishness."

"Yet how can that be true when all but two seconds ago you were saying how much ye missed Master Meriadoc?" I enquired and Frodo opened his mouth to retort to that but thought better of it and merely smiled and said,

"True enough I suppose. I see I must watch my words about you young Samwise, for you have a sharp mind." Before he gained his feet and continued on down the path.

"You've a task ahead of ye if you're thinking of setting that one to earth Samwise. His head and his hearts in the clouds with the fair folk, not tangled in the silt and the good earth with folk like us.

"But I know ye and I see already that he's caught your sympathy, so I'll not stick my nose in. Yet mind me lad, that one will be your Master as Bilbo was mine, so mind your place." Father said, before he set his shoulders again into his work.

'Aware that this was as permission to have Frodo as a friend of sorts I too returned to work, my thoughts abstract at best and my concentration all but lost for the thought of my lessons with Bilbo in the afternoon.

'As always that time came quickly and soon enough I was crossing over the threshold of Bag End and reviling the thick kaleidoscope of scents that had become as home to me. The musk of the old tomes in Mr. Bilbo's library, the faint acid of his pipe smoke and the odd hint of chemicals that was the quill ink. That smell changed as time moved on, new layers combining with it to become first something to recall with a smile when times were harder and then to think on with worry and doubt. Of these smells those clearest in my mind are the sharp lavender and ginger of Frodo's bathing oil, which makes me smile even now to recall, the hard ammonia of the ointment that the elves gave him to ease his pains, that scent snuffing out his old one until both he and it were gone from my life and the pure sunlight of new children, that the dearest of smells and recalled well in my old heart.

'But I run as always far to far ahead of myself and risk ruining the telling as I do so. Lost in the scent of Bag End, it took me a moment to register Bilbo's voice calling me to the study, yet when I did I moved towards it, apologies for most on my tongue.

'Yet I was not met with a scolding, nor with an enquiry for the delay but a smile and an apology of,

"You will have company for today's lesson, Sam, I fear. But I have no wish for this to affect your progress and so I ask you ignore him as best you can." He said as he gestured with his head over my left shoulder. Turning just slightly, I was surprised to see that the corner had been cleaned of the books and maps that had been scattered there to make way for a chair, yet the occupant of that chair, an awkward looking Frodo, was of little surprise.

'Afternoon, Mr. Frodo.' I said and the young Baggins smiled and replied,

'Good afternoon, Sam, I thought I would see how you have gotten such a bright mind for one so young.' I smiled at the memory and felt my skin burn for the compliment and feeling more than a little out of sorts I sat myself down in the only unoccupied chair.

'I believe a little more from this today, Sam' Mr, Bilbo said as he passed me thin green leather bound book. It was a history tome that dealt with the First age of Middle Earth, a subject so intriguing that I soon forgot about my audience and lost myself within it. If ever you've had the time to read up on such things you will understand why I was so enthralled, for much occurred within that time that has had bearing upon this world and all the lives born of it.

'Soon, indeed too soon for my liking, I felt Bilbo's hand upon my shoulder and I was called free of the deep imaginings conjured within my head. Finding the end of the sentence I stopped and passed the Finding the end of the sentence I stopped and passed the book back to Bilbo.

"As usual, Samwise a perfect display of your heart and of the fascination you show for everything of this sort. But of course my opinion is biased and so perhaps we might ask Frodo." Bilbo said.

'My eyes drawn again to the other I found that he was staring, an odd fascination clear in his eyes and a peace to his face that I had not seen there until this moment. "Frodo?" Bilbo enquired and he started as if stung, a faint flush coming to his cheeks before he replied,

"It was very good, much better than I had expected from one of his age." And I could tell merely by the way he avoided my gaze then, that he was not speaking a whole truth. That he was hiding something from the pair of us.

'It is odd, but I believe that was the moment I knew that my life had changed, that the presence of this slip of a tweenager had changed my very destiny.'

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T: And another chapter is done. I have given in apologising for the lateness of posts and I make no promise as to when chapter three will appear. It is worth the wait for Merry enters the tale, as does a newly born Pippin.


	3. Turn

3. Tides turn.

T: Part three, a little more delayed that I had though but that's real life unfortunately. Not mine, am sad about this fact and do not wish to talk of it for fear that it shall give me a complex. The slash becomes more evident from now on and Merry and Pip make for comic tinges that are nice respites amid the sap.

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'I never truly thought about how much a part of my life Frodo had become until a year after that.  The very year that you came at last into the world Master Peregrin. I was with Bilbo when the messenger came, flushed heavily from running and such a smile on his face that Bilbo guessed quickly what the fuss was for.

"It is a son then."

"Oh yes, the fairest of bairns that could have been asked for." He replied, his Tuckborough accent odd to my ears.

"And what have they named him?"

"Peregrin. I was asked to invite you to see him as soon as way convenient by the Thain and then Master Meriadoc asked that you came quicker than that."

"Then of course we shall accompany you on the return journey. It would not do to upset the future Master now would it?" He enquired as he stood and then recalling that I was there lent to grasp one of my hands in his own and with a wistful smile said,

"You shall forgive that I have to take Frodo from you at such a short notice, and indeed will have to retract my tutelage. Yet these things shall happen and of course I shall reimburse you as quickly as I might." And I took the hint and left, saddened by the loss of both Bilbo and of the odd security I had begun to find in seeing Frodo each day. Security that I later learned was spawned by fear of not seeing him again, of fear that he was going to leave me for some abstract ideal and never return.

'Without that feeling of security and without Bilbo's lessons as an outlet for my creativity I soon learned to love gardening and found that with the simplest changes in minerals I could cause plants of similar types to grow taller or of a different shade to their fellows. I learned to love the soil again, learned to see that no matter the hardships in my life the Shire would endure, would grow and change a solid foundation for my heart and hopes. Foundation that solidified once the Quest began and became all the more important once it had been disturbed, sullied by the shadow.

'When Frodo returned he had brought company, something Bilbo had pre-warned us of and that brought a bite of anxiety to my stomach. For I feared that a visitor would rock the fragile friendship that had just began to be built between Frodo and I.

' I was in the garden when the high peal of Frodo's laughter told that they were at last approaching and as I gained my feet to greet my Masters I took the opportunity to take in both the change in Frodo and the Hobbit sat at his side. Frodo looked healthier than we had first met, Bilbo's well stocked board bringing a healthy glow to his face and a roundness to his face that was pleasant rather than odd.  The Hobbit at his side was a bubbly young thing with wild auburn curls and sharp grey eyes that were always sparked with some thought or another. 

'Bilbo spotted  me first and once he had drawn the trap level with the gate he dismounted and flashed me a bright and heart warming smile.

"Ah, Sam, I am glad you are here. Indeed I see by the wondrous display that you have often been here while we were away." He said. At the mention of my name Frodo turned from his charge and allowing me one cautious smile dismounted and took the child into his arms. The young Hobbit struggled wildly and this only helped to bring a wobble to Frodo's step as he came to stand at the other side of the gate from me.

"Frodo! Let me down will you! Let me down!" The child was saying, the lilt in his voice confirming both his origins and his status. Frodo complied with some reluctance and set the lad to the floor before he gave me another, more apologetic smile and said,

"Sam, this is Meriadoc Brandybuck. Merry, this is Samwise Gamgee." You gave me a look then, Merry, that I did not know then, but I would later come to recognise as an assessment as to whether you would make a good victim that day for one of his innocuous pranks. I was apparently that day, not looking in quite the right mood to receive a prank and thus with the most innocent of smiles he extended a small hand and said,

"A pleasure I am sure. Father says that Bilbo is very lucky to have someone like you working for him and he wishes that he could buy you away."

"T'is a shame then is it not, little Master, that my family and I are loyal to the Baggins?" I enquired.  You wrinkled your nose at that and with a haughty distain that Pippin tried to mimic each time we talked of it afterwards you said,

"I am not your Master, nor will I ever be unless you think of coming to Buckland once father has passed on and even then I shall not be your Master, but rather _The_ Master." And that little speech made it rather hard to keep a strait face and looking to Frodo I saw that he too was wrestling with a smile.

'We'd laugh about it each time after that when I called you Master and you gave me that look, laughed not just for the mirth in the memory but for the excuse of having something to laugh about amid the darker times.

'We moved into the kitchen after that for scones and so that I might wrap myself again within the familiarity of having Frodo so close and the safety I felt from that proximity. Eventually once the silence was more companionable and the faint traces of laughter had escaped out of my system I ventured what turned out to be rather a prickly question,

"Is he a fair child, truly?"

"It depends on who you ask. I think he looks very much average for Took stock, right down to that head for trouble that they are so famed for. Merry, however…"

"Believes you are being unfair. I held him the most of anyone and I think there is something captivating about him despite that fussy name they've stuck him with."

"What of the name you have chosen for him?"

"Pippin suits him very well for it is merry and he shall always be merry." Merry responded and Frodo mumbled something under his breath and then proceeded to turn in on himself.

'For myself I found such a dedication and such a fondness for one so young a heartening thing. For it would teach this young Hobbit lad responsibility if nothing else and would ensure that his charge received nothing but pure unadulterated love. That was something Frodo could not see, for he did not wish to lose your support in his own life, Master Merry, but as time moved on and as he spent time with Pippin his eyes cleared and he let you go.

'You allowed him that time, both later and in that moment, yet I could not sit idle as he shut in on his emotions again. Thus when Bilbo called you to his study to see some map or sketch, Merry, I took the opportunity and asked if Frodo might like to see what I had done with the blooms in his absence.

'Once in the garden he allowed his concern back onto his face and with the barest of glances to me enquired,

"Might we go a little away from here, Sam? I need a moment to think." And though I could almost hear the word "alone" tapped onto the end of the sentence I knew he did not mean for me to leave him be, not truly at least.

'I walked silent at his side as we tracked the perimeter of the part field and stopped when he did before the great oak that sat where once my mighty Mallorn now grows. He stared hard at the old weathered tree as if he were seeing it for the first time and then he made a small turn in the grass and then settled against the trunk. I went to leave him then for he seemed to be lost in his own little world, but as I made the first steps away he called my name and as I turned I saw him tap the soil close to his side.

'I hesitated and then after a more insistent gesture from Frodo I set by his side, aware that he would not take no for an answer. He was silent only a moment more before he said,

"I went to Tuckborough expecting to see Merry and to have him back again in my life. But that hope lasted only until the smallest wisp of a Hobbit lad was placed within his arms. His eyes became so focused, as if he was holding something beyond precious and was so fearful of letting it tarnish that he could not look away, would not.

"I felt cold and angry and so very jealous. Merry was mine after all, my kin, my friend and all but my brother. But then I heard your voice in my head, hard and insistent, you said  'The best way to prove your love is to let go' and I knew it for the wisdom it was and allowed my feelings to fade for the joy evident in Merry's eyes. If he was happy then I was happy also." He smiled a little at that and I felt a little comforted for that. Those words you will never have heard before, yet they have been spoken once between Frodo and I since that time, as the sea breeze tore away at my tears and our time was at last ending.

'That time is still a little ways away, however, as far as this tale is concerned and I do not wish to think on it until I have to and thus I move on. I looked at him as his eyes closed and the sunlight dappled across his skin and I found that I had wish to hold him, if only a moment, to ensure myself entirely that he was alive. I did not want to disturb his peace, however, and I gained my feet again and this time managed to cross into the row before his hand upon my shoulder halted my steps yet again.

"I wanted you to know that I wish to be your friend. I know we do not really know that much of one another, but I have a feeling that I can trust you Samwise Gamgee." He said as I turned to look at him.

"We can try, Sir." I replied and he chuckled then,

"As blunt as always." He replied and then I was laughing as well.

'That was the very last stone in the foundation of our friendship and from that point on it built and grew until it was so very strong. Until I felt that I did not really have a life without Frodo. And of course from that day on you were a part of my life also, Merry and I learned quickly how to react to your pranks and how just to take all the fun from them and thus have the best of revenge.

'A routine was set and you would come to Bag End in the summer months, Merry and Frodo would return with you in the winter, each separation harder than the last and each enduring longer as Merry lingered for Pippin's sake.

'Then on the year of my fourteenth birthday the routine changed again, for Merry brought his Took with him when they came. As the last time we had had warning that there would be one more than had been expected and when the entourage would be coming back.

'Thus I was at Bag End deliberately early that day, hoping I suppose to calm my wildly beating heart by the time Frodo came home. Yet though I had calmed when the sound of the hooves announced the coming of the trap, one peal of Frodo's laughter set it again into a tempo one could dance to.

'Dusting my hand against my trousers I came down again to the gate and was greeted again with Bilbo's smile and then with Frodo, hale and happy as he always was and I gave him a smile when I saw him, such a smile that I could not stop nor had wish to.

"Welcome home, Sir." I said and he smiled himself for the greeting,

"Thank you, Sam."

"Do I not get a greeting also?" Merry enquired as he appeared at Frodo's side. He had grown well over the years and now there was as much Brandybuck sensibility to his nature as well as Took mischief.

"Hoy! If any should get a greeting it is I." The voice was young still and edged in such a heavy Tuckborough accent that I could not decipher certain words until I was used to it.  At the sound of the voice, Merry's face lit up a little and spinning on his heals he dipped and when he turned there was a Hobbit child within his arms. It was the oddest of echoes back to when I had first met Merry, though the child was not struggling out of the older Hobbit's grip, but pulling closer.

'He was fey of face, with both the deep russet tinged curls and bright green eyes that denoted the Took lineage, he was indeed fair to perceive, though as Frodo had said he was nothing more or less than others of the Took line.

"I'm Pippin." He said, leaning enough from Merry so that he could offer his hand, "And you are all these two have been able to talk of since we began on the way here."

"If it is comfort then I should tell you that you are all Merry can talk of for his entire stay here."

"Really, do you truly miss me that much, Merry?" You enquired Pippin, bating him as you always did when given opportunity. And as always Merry you rolled your eyes and responded as unconvincingly as you could manage,

"Of course I do, Imp." And that brought a wicked smile to Pippin's face and Merry winced,

"Then you _are_ only teasing, when you say you would be better off without me."

"Of course he is, Pippin, for he so does love to get a rise out of you. Of course you are still a little young to realise that." Frodo said.

"Young indeed, I shall be five in the winter and that is a grand old age is it not, Merry?"

"The grandest, little terror, but you must recall that Frodo is an old man and can not recall what it was to be such a good age."

"Old man!  I am but twenty six and there are a good seven years between me and adulthood."

"But, Frodo, that is old to us, for Sam and I are in our tweens yet and the monster is just pushing five."

"I can see this argument carrying on all day lads, let us drop the subject shall we before we all freeze." And that was Bilbo, ever the voice of reason in situations such as these. Merry nodded and setting Pippin to the ground he opened the gate and the pair raced past Bilbo into Bag End. Frodo lingered a moment to enquire,

"Will you come in, Sam?"

"No, Sir, t'is best that I go home. The weather is setting in as Mr. Bilbo has said and the Gaffer will want me safe."

"Of course. Will you be up tomorrow?"

"Yes, Sir." I replied and he nodded before following on his Uncles heals.

'Once the door to Bag End was closed I stared at it a moment and tried to comprehend the rush of emotions that had swamped me as I'd listened to the argument. What was this that I was feeling? Why would it not stop? And why could I think only of Frodo? Taking a shaky breath and setting my hand to the gatepost I tried to find control in the madness and a snuff for the mild heat burning in my heart.  But I could not, not without destroying myself also and it was then with as much certainty as was available to me then when I was so young, that I knew. I loved him and whether he cared for me or not I would continue to love him in this way.'

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T: Next chapter _will_ be up on Tuesday as I'm almost done typing it as I post this, which means I have a swing at last. Yay!

RR please it gives me happiness and I always appreciate the suggestions.


	4. Strength

4. Loves Strength.

T: this chapter was longer than I recalled and thus has been delayed due to work…off in a week so can hopefully get at least the last chapter up on time. I do not own this fandom apart from in the deep reassesses of my head, but I'm taller and thinner in there so its not really on this side of reality! We are heading into the realm of the quest now so there is angst and more slashy slash on the horizon.

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'Of course I couldn't act on it, wouldn't. Frodo had asked to be my friend and thus a friend I would be, friend and servant, there always when the times turned sour.

'And time moved on with steady certainty, each year seeing the growth of yourselves, Merry, Pippin, both in heart and in head and indeed in my own growth also. Soon enough came the year that would see so many changes, most of which were negative, but one that will never be as such in my eyes. That was of course the year 1401, the year of Bilbo's great party and great disappearance.

'I'd been invited but my work kept me away until fairly well near the end, though I was there to witness the speech and what occurred afterwards.  T'weren't no real shock, for Frodo had been saying for a while that Mr. Bilbo was talking of going, yet it hurt.  For he'd not said goodbye to anyone of us, just assumed we knew he'd wish to say it to us and left it at that. At the time Frodo seemed less hurt than I felt and that placed doubt and suspicion in my head. For they'd been as close kin to one another and such a disappearance without specific concern for him would have hurt.

'He was being strong for the others of course, that and he was a little shocked, for he'd not believed despite the signs. He remained calm and polite to the guests until he returned with a head ache, I wanted to go after him but I had to stay an hour for my father's sake. An hour for Gandalf to voice his concerns and then leave in search of that slimy thing. An hour for Frodo to fall in on himself.

'When I eventually got up to Bag End it was dark and the fires had been snuffed out long enough so that a chill was sneaking in. Of course Frodo might have chosen to retire early, but something in my gut told me this was not the case. I wanted to let him know he was there, that I'd light the fires again and we'd talk over the evening but the words stilled in my tongue as I heard him crying.

'That sound stung at me, for I felt that by delaying I'd betrayed him and failed to keep him safe as I had promised myself. Yet I searched out the source of the sound despite the guilt and found him in the Master Bedroom curled about the sheets.

"Frodo?" I enquired and he started before he lifted his head and hitching in a breath stopped his tears as best as he might.

"Please just let me be, Samwise."

"No." I replied as I set to his side and without thinking raised a hand to wipe those tears away.

"The house is cold and so are you, sir. Let me get the fires burning again and warm you both up." I said as I dropped my hand and walked back out into the living room. The sound of his feet a moment after that warmed away a little of my fear and once he was hunched before the fireplace with a wan smile on his face, that little remainder faded away.

"You will forgive me for seeming so out of control, Sam, but I had hoped you would ignore that kind heart of yours just this once. Hoped that you would see that I was being a little foolish. I knew this was coming after all, it is just he did not properly say goodbye and I had believed he thought the best of me out of all of his relatives."

"He did, sir. He thought of you as his son and you of him as your father."

"Yes. Yes that is true." And that smile grew into something brittle and unnatural upon his face and I knew he was trying to cover over his pain for my sake. I did not much care for that and I set a hand again un-thought to his face and said,

"T'is natural to grieve, Frodo and I do not want you to think otherwise." He looked at me with an astonished wonder and then his voice brought low into a beautiful melody that I would come to know so very well.

"That is the very first time that you have used my name without a 'sir' of 'Mr.' Attached onto the beginning." And then he lent a little towards me and set his hand against my own. " I had begun to think that you wanted only a Master from me, that you watched and protected me for my status. You are everything to me, Samwise Gamgee and I had begun to fear that I would lose that, just as I have now lost Bilbo."

"I will never leave you, Frodo, not unless you ask me to." And those words seemed to be what he was waiting for, for the next moment I felt the pressure of his lips upon mine

'Of course I had wanted something such as this for a great while now and I pulled him as close as I could, revelling in the increase of my heart rate and in this new feeling.

'Hopefully I do not miss my guess that you two cunning lads will have known that Frodo and I were together as such and that you were more than a little pleased for us taking that next step.  If not then this will be surprise to you, though I hope it is a pleasant one.

'The beginning of out love came at the very beginning of the shadow of our life and it was inevitable that things would eventually end as they have. Back then, of course, I hoped that I would never have to make good my own promise to leave him if he asked it of me. Believed that I would be always at his side loving and protecting. And for a time that was true, that time highlighted in memories of stolen kisses and hidden touches.

'Soon enough he began to ask that I come live with him and always I would tell him "Not yet, love" and that "Me Gaffer needs me for the moment" and those refusals hurt him, for he could not understand why I was saying no, not when I told him all the time how I hated being away from him. I don't think I understood either, not then at least, now looking back I can see that I was saying no because I knew deep in my heart that it would not last forever, that soon enough we would have to leave again and that if we were together it would make everything harder somehow.

'A great deal happened within the eighteen years between Bilbo's departure and our own. I came of age and that was the greatest of nights for me, though as to why…I believe even an old Hobbit is allowed his secrets. Two years after that it was your turn, Merry, and though I am sure your parents had wish for you to celebrate such an occasion with then, you insisted that you were having your party at Bag End or not at all.

'Your reasoned that you wished to see only your friends and not the many relations that would come if he held the party in the confines of the Hall. We knew, or at least I suspect that it was rather that you did not wish the reminder that soon enough all the responsibility of the position of Master would be yours to bear. For you talked of little else that evening and you became so un-Merry that even Pippin's off camber jokes and cheeky smile could not cheer you up.

'Of your own coming of age, Pippin, I recall little, for it happened while I was loosing my battle to keep Frodo and I had no wish to be Merry or to think of mortality.

'The very first time I saw Frodo truly ill was after the bight of the witch king's blade and I was so afraid of losing him that I would not move from his side once the threat of the Nazgul had been removed. Would not move despite how unnerving it felt to be there alone in his little room within Rivendale, for the room felt so empty when there were no voices filling it. No laughter to bring out its beauty.

'The Quest itself was hardship for us both and I retained my strength only through my love for Frodo and the memory of the Shire behind me. Our little green paradise, to which we could return when it was all over.

'It was my love that was tested the most, for as the Ring gained a grip on him he began to push at me, began to hurt with words and then fists. Yet I held still, knowing well enough that he did not wish me gone, knowing through the light in my heart and the answer of it in his eyes.

'Ilthilien was the last I saw that light, the last I knew without doubt that he loved me as I loved him. After that… yet again I get ahead of myself and you do not know the whole story, for Frodo chose not to tell everything, to keep a little of the memories between us. I give you the rest now because…well the reasoning can come later, for now I shall return to the tail.

'We'd set up camp just within the border of the land and I'd sent the Stinker off on the scout for food. The sun was just on the rise and there was a light to Frodo that I recalled well from the time in Rivendale, the light of health, healing and the agelessness of my love for him. I mumbled to myself about the fact and Frodo smiled, his eyes sliding open as he said,

"I do believe you thought me asleep, Sam, for you would never say such things to me while I am awake now." The words were melancholy despite the smile and resting a hand to his forehead I replied,

"You will forgive me if that has been the case of late, Frodo, love, for I've no wish nor want to push you away. I'm just fearful for the future."

"You are thinking too far ahead, Sam, for there may not yet be a future for either of us. Yet there is today and that is enough for me because you are here." And he lifted his hand to catch my own and his love was so clear in his eyes that it placed a smile to my lips. Gollum came back not long after that and my hate for that thing stopped any hope of further discussion. Then came the chaos of the fire and Faramir finding our little hole. Of course I was glad to be short of Gollum and even more shocked to see an Oliphant, though I'm still half sure that I dreamt it, for I was weighted by sleep at the time.

'Once we'd done with the blindfolds and the questions, Faramir let us be. I was just drifting off to sleep when Frodo's voice called me back into full alertness and stepping out of my own bed I came to stand beside his.

"Frodo?" I enquired, my voice barely above a whisper for fear of listening ears.

"Then you are awake. I had thought that after remaining up earlier you would be lost by now."

"And I believed that you'd talked yourself into exhaustion." I replied and in the faint light of the moon I saw him smile.

"As did I, but I wished to take the chance to talk to you without Gollum worrying your mind." And he tapped the empty space at his side. I complied willingly, my arms recalling well the feel of him and my body taking his warmth as if it was starved for it.

"What did you want to say, love?"

"That I am sorry that this had to happen to us, Sam, sorry that you have been forced to leave your beloved Shire."

"Nonsense, Frodo. I would do it all again even if I knew for certain it ment what it had done, wondering through barren lands and that creeping thing edging between us. As for the shire I have it right here…" I said as I pressed my face into the small of his back, breathing deep and recalling green fields and happier times all through his scent. "As long as you live, Frodo, I will have everything I need to be happy."

"What if part of me dies once It has been destroyed, love? Will you still be happy then?"

"No, for I couldn't bare to see you only half there. I would toil until you were yourself again or until I found a cure."

"Such selflessness, Sam, but what would you do if there were no cure? Or if I ceased to love you?"

"I would still love you, Frodo, for it is as a part of me now and as to their being no cure… You have said yourself already that we should not look too far into the future. For all you might once be one and whole once It is gone."

"Perhaps." He said as he turned and set his forehead against my own. "You are my life now, Samwise and even if I were to die it would not matter as long as you lived on as happy as you could be with my life lost to you."

"You will not die. You can not die." I said, so fearful even at the thought of it. He just shook his head and closed the distance between us.

'I left him once he was asleep again, having no wish for Faramir to find us like that and tried to sleep, his words clear in my head. After Gollum sprang his trap and I'd sent Shelob back where she'd come from…and…

'And I was faced with Frodo…dead…I wondered how he'd know, why I'd let myself walk into what I'd been sure was a trap. He was so very cold and all I could think of for so long was lying down beside him, then his words caught up with me again. Then I knew I had to move on, had to take up, the task and live for his sake.

'Would you be ashamed of me if I told you I was more than a little relived when I learned that he lived? Not because I had wanted it with all my soul, because loosing him was as loosing a bit of himself. But because he could take up the burden and the responsibility again. It made me feel terrible when I thought on it later, that I had wish for him to be back in danger, back in the Lure of It.

'That's why I hesitated first off, wishing to keep him free of It, wanting him to bare me as I had born him. Then he demanded it of me and I could not refuse, not when I was suddenly faced with Gollum where once Frodo had been. He apologised once he had it back, of course, but I knew then that his fear had been well founded. That the Thing would take away all of him before he was rid of it at last.

'That's when I decided I would do whatever it took to rid him of It, even taking it from him at the last, and throwing myself in with It.

'The last I was sure it was Frodo, my dear slightly absent minded Frodo, that I was journeying with, was not, despite what you might have been lead to believe through my words, that moment in the tower. No, I lost Frodo on the dawn of the Final Push. For he had faded away into a hard determination that scared me enough to fade into such a characteristic also. My offer to take up his burden and himself, therefore, was not made through care (Though that was indeed a part of it) but through wish to do as was expected of me, to do what was best for Frodo.

'When It was lost at last and Gollum with It I hoped to look at him and see that I had been right, that he existed still.

'There at the end of all things he was indeed Frodo, but parts of him were gone and he was trying to hard to hide that fact, pretending for my sake. But I knew in my heart that he was not the same, that he was nothing more than a finely balanced tower of stones waiting to tumble.

'He knew that also, knew that he had little choice left now but to endure for as long as he could. As I slept in the safety our bed in Cormallen he said his goodbye and though I was deep in the memory of better times I felt him kiss me and knew what it ment.

'Of course the sadness was buried deep within me, for he said nothing openly and I did not wish to dwell on something I might have dreamt and when I had you two to distract my mind. For I could see you had had your own adventure and that something dire had occurred, for there was a look in Merry's eyes that I recognised well, a look of having aloud his most precious of things to become tainted into something unlike what it once had been. A look I comprehended once we had heard all of your tail and I too feared a little for the change the Palantír had placed onto Pippin, fear that I soon found had no grounding, for when the silence came he placed an arm about Merry's shoulder and said,

"But we are together again despite the shadow, so let us use that thought to lift our hearts shall we?" he enquired and we all smiled, though I am sure you both noted how empty Frodo's smile seemed.

'Once we had witness the marriage and we were on the road again I began thinking about the future, about the choices ahead. Had I known that things would go as they did, they mayhap I wouldn't have been so eager to go home. As it was the only hint I had that the Shadow was pressing still on Frodo's shoulder was that odd moment as we crossed the shadow of Weathertop.

'Seeing the Shire cut down and destroyed was a blow to us all, for each little blade of grass and each flower held meaning to us all. It put heat in my blood and I fought back in revenge, anger and hate. It was a side of myself I had kept well free of Frodo's eyes and in the state he was now it made him fear me, made him retract a little from my company.

'That was why I knew nothing of his pain that year and why he kept me at arms length. That time at a distance gave me chance to learn to know Rose and see the brightness of the heart beneath her chest. She cared for me, that I had known from the first when I came back and I had told her that I cared for Frodo in turn, told her that there was no real tearing us apart any more.

'She smiled at that and told me that she knew that, knew and did not care, for my heart was large enough to share if I would allow it. How could I not with such a sweet enquiry? And thus I wed her not long after that and together we moved into Bag End.

'The first few nights there I slept in Frodo's bed, simply holding close to his sleeping form and recalling Ilthilien. Of course he did not know I was there, for I came to him once he had drifted off and left before the dawn. For I knew he had let me go, knew and did not wish to truly accept. Not when I felt his life was mine also.

"The very last time I crossed over the threshold of his bedroom was to say goodbye, just as he had in the dappled shade of Cormallen. I'd finally accepted what it was I had to do, I loved him and to prove that love I would let him go. I wept over the pain in my heart and as he held me for the last time on the edge of the sea I told him,

"The best way to prove your love is to let go, Frodo. It hurts, yes, but I have Rose now and my little Elanor." And he smiled, that bright smile he used only for me and then he left."

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T: The moment in Cormallen is inspired by the picture please wake up which is by Talisha and can be found in the yahoo group hobbitslash should you wish to see it. Only one more chapter left and as a warning it is dark again, very much so in fact.

RR I will not change anything but I may give praise next chapter!


	5. Living

                                     5. Living without living.

T: This final part is dedicated to Chaos who has reviewed constantly and given me warm fuzzies. Not that I'm the type that needs warm fuzzies, it's just nice to get them! LOTR not mine, though I really wish it was at this point. This part is bitter sweat and talks of death and other such things very casually so beware.

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"'There is but a little left of the tail now and though I'm still not sure if I want it told, I write because I know it should be.

'I said that I was torn in two by Frodo's departure, but perhaps it is better said that I was ripped asunder. For always when I was just finding my feet, just beginning my life again, I would be reminded of him. Sometimes it was by the simplest of things, such as finding the remnants of his soap or by the empty chair at the table. Other times it was something else, like the echo of the Sea in the hole of my heart, or the bright stars in the night sky.

' I found ways to cover over the void in my heart, though I could never fill it; the garden, you my dear child and your mother and sometimes I'd go and visit yourselves, Merry, Pippin and we'd talk about the happier times before the quest.

'A few times I took Bill and road out to The Havens and stare out at the Sea for hours. There I was closet to my heart and there I was at home, if only for the smallest of instants.

'I had responsibility though, and I always came back, First your sake Elanor and then for your brother's. My little flower and my dearest boy, both so much a part of my life, of the Shire that watching you sleep I thought of the tales you'd grow up on and eventually I thought of opening the Red Book and seeing what Frodo had written there.

'You've read his tale and you can imagine how the separation in his words hurt me. For it seemed as he was trying to erase away the memory of our love from all but our hearts.

'The more I read, the more I was confused, for he'd written clear enough my love in each angled word and through that had made me the hero even though we had pulled through together.

'On the last page written in his hand a scrap of paper had been pressed into the crease of the spine. It contained a note that bides still with me, both in the spiritual (for it is always in my heart) and the physical (for it has been under my pillow from that day to this).

"Samwise.

                 My most beloved of Hobbits.

I do not wish you to think that I have forgotten my own heart, nor that we were holding one another up against the darkness. But it is better that the story is told this way for a while, for to give the truth now is impossible for the both of us.

"I have said goodbye to this love already you see. In the empty joy of living and finding others alive, I realised that I was empty, that everything I had was yours now. And so I kissed you for the last time, kissed your sleeping face and bade goodbye to you and to myself.

"You also have said goodbye at last, for I felt the whisper of your lips as I dreamt empty dreams and I knew; my time was drawing to a close.

"I can not be sad, Sam and I ask that you too will one day let your pain go and live happy. I love you, you see, all too much and to prove that love I let you go so that you might carry the both of us in your heart.

"Do not forget our love, Sam. For I will not and perhaps between the both of us we can make it light up more lives than just our own; When the time is right that is. When the time is right.

                                     Frodo."

'That note was why I set to writing this, just a little each year when the winter set in and all the sadness was grouped together. Thinking back on it helped, you see, because I could see clearer things that had gotten fogged up during the war. It was then that I got the inkling that you two, Merry, Pippin, had know about our relationship, for I'd seen the glances you'd shared. Seen and not comprehended until then. You'd known everything and though you yourselves had things you might have wish to share, you kept them between you for you saw the light of our love sparking out.

'If you'd just kept your eyes focused a moment longer, you'd have seen the light kindle again, brighter that before. You see I began to live enough for the both of us. Yet as you kept your secrete I kept mine. Yet that never hurt us did it? For we were bound together by the Quest, our loss and later by blood when my Goldilocks married young Faramir.

'You told me that you envied me my family, Peregrin, for you'd lost Diamond in childbirth, while my Rose endured to bare me so many beautiful children. I tell you now that I envied you Merry, for he has been there always by your side watching and waiting for you to see what has been right there before you from the instant you were born. I envy that love, for you have now your other half while I…I dwindle away now but half, never again to be one within life.

'I lived without living, laughed without joy, cried without grief and always in the emptiness beneath this life was the cry of the gulls. Not melodic, not in the least, but a scream all too reminiscent of the cry of the Nazgul: So much in fact that sometimes I'd wake in a cold sweat having dreamt about those black things coming fro Frodo in Valinor.

'I often had nightmares, yet they came more often in the year leading up to Rose's death, perhaps because my subconscious knew and was trying to warn me, or mayhap because age was finally bringing degradation to my mind I could not tell ye.

'It was in waking from a nightmare that I found her, cold and lifeless at my side and for the first time since I had bade my farewell to Frodo I wept truefull tears. She had been a kindness in my life after all, tending the barren wasteland of my heart in hopes of growth one day. Growth that never came until she was gone and though that is my greatest of regrets, that I could not blossom for her in life, I believe somehow that she saw the change and was pleased for me.

'After the funeral I road down to The Havens intent on crossing over, yet as I gazed at the ship…my ship…waiting there in the harbour for me, I knew somehow that that was not to be my path. That Frodo and Rose had given me everything so that I might live and so live I would, the best that I might the last years of my life.

'I came to Ceridian and gazing into the agelessness of his eyes I said,

"Will you tell him that I will keep our light burning until mine is almost spent? And then I shall pass it on into the hands of those that shall see it burns forever." And then I turned and road back up the path.

'You were waiting there for me as I passed, my flower and as you passed me again the Red Book you said,

"I knew in my heart you would not leave, I just had to hope that you knew also."

'And now I have done as Frodo had wish for me to do and our love and it's light will live on in your hearts to be passed on. As for me… I can see his spirit out of the corner of my eyes and I know that, somehow, one life has faded from me he shall be again by my side.'"  As she finishes there are tears in her eyes and as she looks to the other two they are weeping also, their hands linked together for the strength it gives them.

In the silence the gulls scream in an echo of those that have perished crossing the sea. Or perhaps they too are weeping…

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T: Please RR.  I'll be putting up a list of things I'm working on in my profile should you be interested.


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